Yes, I am celibate, and have been for the last 27 years. Actually, I have been celibate 51 of my 53 years. It has sometimes been a choice…mostly it just is. Am I ugly and deformed? No, not deformed. Probably not ugly either. I actually consider myself a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. So why is this the way of my life?

I think I planned my life this way. It’s an outgrowth of several realizations that has led to the decision to abstain from sharing myself energetically with another being who probably isn’t at the same level.

  • I realized in my teens that my twin flame was not incarnate, which broke my heart at the time. But I also decided that since he wasn’t here, there was no point in bothering with other men. They would never be the complete experience that a TF relationship is.
  • I took a yoga class in university, and one of the spiritual principles is celibacy, in that you don’t share yourself with another who may not be as “clean” as you are. Not just physical cleanliness, but spiritual too. This made a lot of sense to me. Sharing bodily fluids does seem gross to me, but to also connect spiritually to someone who isn’t spiritual…well…that’s totally unacceptable to me!
  • I was a virgin until I was 24, and was raped at 26. I have only been with 2 men, and the first one had problems with impotence (I think it was guilt because he was married), and the second one with prematurity (and of course the whole rape thing). The experiences were nothing special, I never had an orgasm, and only the first guy even tried. Car sex sucks!
  • I lived at home with my parents until I was 34…this definitely puts a crimp in one’s sex life.
  • Two of my sisters made bad marriage choices…I was so horrified for them that I was determined not to fall into the same trap.
  • I came to realize that the reason I had remained at home for so long instead of moving out on my own was largely because of societal norms that were quite strong when I was young…a woman usually moved out of the parental home and into her marriage home. Since I had already decided to never marry and have children, I realized this norm no longer fit me, so I moved out on my own.
  • Strangely, men are not a part of my life…my father is an emotionally distant person who never interacted with me and my 3 sisters, 2 of my brother-in-laws were lower consciousness rednecks that my sisters have since left, and the only positive male presence is my third sister’s husband, who is like a beloved brother to me. They’ve been together for 31 years, and he is a wonderful man. My sister does not appreciate him properly. sigh
  • I gained 50 lbs after the rape, which helped “insulate” me from getting involved, or even trying to attract a man.
  • I’ve recently read that the archons use sex, drugs and rock and roll as mind control tools.

It has actually been very easy to be celibate…situations just have never cropped up to tempt me I guess. Yes, I did the whole bar scene when I was younger, but with glasses (contacts bother my eyes too much, esp. in smoky conditions), no one spares me a second glance, despite my hourglass figure, which is hard to see in the dark. I have never been comfortable with risque clothing…I learned very early that I disliked men looking down my tops. I developed my bust very early…by 13 I was already in a B cup! Even worse, my younger sister went into a B cup at age 8, and watching dirty old men ogle my little sister made me even madder! I prefer for people to look me in the eyes when they speak to me, so I have never worn low cut tops.

Why am I bringing this up now? Well, since my Reiki session, and my own work with my root chakra to heal my back problems, I have noticed that I am having some sexual dreams. This is very odd for me…my libido is zilch. I sublimate all root chakra energy into other pursuits…intellectual, spiritual, creative. No one says you have to turn it into sexual energy…it’s just energy. I have lived 51 years as proof of this. Since I live alone, have no man in my life, and my cats sleep in my bed, not having sexual urges serves me well. I am not happy that it’s suddenly coming up. I suppose it’s healthier???? Does this maybe mean that someone is going to be coming into my life, and I will need to translate the energy into sexuality soon?

My sister (who’s big into online psychics) asked about me, and was told that a man is coming into my life. Do I believe it? I dunno…I think I have gotten to the point where I think I need to address this whole relationship to another issue. I have been working on myself for so long, I think I now need to heal the damage done by the rape, and the damage my father has done to my perception of men. Am I ready for it? Geez…I dunno if I want to include someone else in my life. I have lived alone for 19 years, and been perfectly happy. I don’t know how to include someone else to be honest. Well, I’m not going to worry about it…if a soulmate (and he has to be at least a soulmate) comes into my life, I’ll take it as it comes.

Actually, I consider myself to be asexual. Check out the cool Asexuality Pride flag above! LOL

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender. At least 1% of people are believed to be asexual.

Yup! I’m an even more anomalous sexual orientation than the LGBT community! heh heh We definitely don’t even get recognition, and certainly people do not even try to understand us. There is a site The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), that has some really good info on it that maybe I should look at more closely. Although to be honest, I don’t need help with it. I do agree it’s a sexual orientation:

Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation.

An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.

Asexual people have the same emotional needs as everybody else and are just as capable of forming intimate relationships.

This is all very true…it does make relationships difficult though. Most men do not understand the no-sex thing, and I’m sure it’s a deal-breaker in most cases. And yet another reason I have never bothered with men. Well, good luck to this poor guy who may or may not be coming into my life! LOL But do I want to be awakened sexually? Like these dreams are trying to do? I always wake up instead of remaining in them…I guess I worry about where the dreams are coming from. They seem out of context…is working with the root chakra sufficient to awaken such desires? If I’m asexual, then they’re not even there, right? I guess I just don’t know what to do with these dreams. sigh