Well, I’ve been feeling rather morose the last couple of days, partly because of the weather (dull and grey) and partly because I was excluded from a family day yesterday. It left me feeling more alone than I usually feel, and I guess I woke up this morning already disadvantaged for a positive state of mind. I did tell myself that I was just as happy not to have been there…my sisters went to my parents’ house to watch a Walking Dead marathon. I do not watch this show, am not interested in watching it, and my family knows this. I know I would not have enjoyed the day, so there was no point in going. So why do I feel so left out and different? sigh

I didn’t sleep well (surprise, surprise) and my monkey mind kept me awake most of the night. So not getting enough sleep isn’t helping my state of mind either. But I was still surprised by the massive anxiety attack that I suffered after finding out about an unexpected moving expense. It turns out that UHaul wants a $100 deposit (or a credit card, which I don’t have) to make a reservation on a $19.95 moving van. bleah I have no money left (well, a little over $10 in my account) until the 31st when my ODSP cheque comes in. This totally threw me into meltdown mode. 😥

So I called the Canadian Mental Health Hotline, and was told that my nearest crisis center is in Windsor, which is long distance. I had to break down crying before she found me a center in Chatham, which isn’t long distance for me. Geez…our mental health system sucks so badly! bleah Good news though…after calling the number and being told to leave my number so someone could call me back (yeah, that works if someone is suicidal or something geez!)…I did get a wonderful young woman who helped me out a lot. We didn’t do a lot of talking, but she did ask what the problem was and helped me find other movers who should be cheaper than UHaul. She said UHaul wasn’t the cheapest by far, and these other ones should be able to help me. I never considered using another moving company, actually wasn’t aware of them. She gave me 4 numbers to call, which I am waiting to calm down to actually do so.

So I do think the anxiety attack had a beneficial outcome. A fucking hard way to find out a new source of information, but…whatever works I guess. Mind you, massive anxiety attacks that almost morph into a panic attack is not the way I would hope the universe would help me out though. So I’m still bummed about this development. I have been affirming that I revoke all agreements and contracts that bring about negative consequences and were made with negative entities and members of the False Light. This feels like one of those contracts…okay, it worked out, but shit, it was a negative experience! Enough with the damn negative experiences already! Sheesh! I am entitled to have an easier time of things…my Higher Self is supposed to be ensuring this. Gonna have to talk to the Higher Self…something went wrong. bleah

So I went online and checked out some positive sources to help me feel better, and found 2 things that have calmed me down and made me see this whole day in another light. The first is this article, which was a tongue-in-cheek post regarding John Armitage’s Ascension and his meeting with first Kuthumi then Maitreya. He didn’t believe he had ascended, and was arguing with them that it couldn’t be because:

“How can I have ascended? Like, I’m not perfect. And for the last few months I’ve been emotional as hell. I’ve been kicking, cursing, screaming, and crying all day long!”
And he (Kuthumi) says, “Yeah, you’ve been doing some good clearances, Yogi! You’ve cracked it, man! You’ve just ascended!”

Well, I doubt I’ve ascended yet, but it got me to thinking that maybe that is what I just went through…a clearance of sorts. This leads me to the Bashar video from the Bashar Archives called “Circumstances Don’t Matter, Only State of Being Matters”. In it, he makes the statement that we have to go through a process to integrate a change in Being. Part of that process is for the conscious mind to create an echo of what you once believed to see if you respond differently this time. I am working hard to create abundance in my life, and this scenario with the deposit of money I do not have at the moment is obviously one of these echos. He makes the statement that

Circumstances don’t create the state of Being, the state of Being creates the circumstance.

There goes the crazy monkey mind that worries that my state of being is still limited and that I am creating the same old “lack” circumstance. But I do truly believe that this move is meant to be a much better “fit” for me, with a lot more positive energy coming to me at this location (see my analysis here). The energy at my current place has stagnated and I am surrounded by negative sorts, and they’ve cut down the trees and displaced the poor squirrels (which I ranted about here), and even the whole feral cat issue has gotten the best of me.

I find myself feeling guilty about abandoning the poor ferals, but I can no longer handle the angst they bring me. I have had 3 die on me (including a kitten I desperately tried to save), had a sick one put down (and got yelled at by the OSPCA for feeding ferals), and tried to help out several sick ones by giving them healing energy and probiotics in their food. It’s costing me a lot of money to do this too. The Universe had helped out for a while there, until my friend with the shelter died (and she was younger than me!). She arranged fundraisers and would give me a little money or supplies to help me out. She was a wonderful lady and I miss her. I know many do, for she was an animal rights activist with so much wonderful energy!

But the emotional toll has left me feeling relieved that my new apartment has no outdoor space, so I won’t be able to help out any ferals. I have my own 3 cats, and they have fleas because of the feral cats. That’s not fair to them, and I know that one of them feels slighted because I pay so much attention to the ferals. I’m worried that he’s going to leave me because he feels I will replace him with one of the ferals. sigh I know this is the negativity that is causing his skin lesions (I think he’s got a flea allergy).

Anyway…enough of that rant.

Bashar hastens to add that we should not let ourselves be fooled by the “echo”, by thinking that you have done something wrong, or by labeling it the same way you used to. If you respond the same way as you usually do, then you have not changed, and the echo is only creating a situation to see if you really do want to change. Hmmm…I don’t like that I went into panic mode, but the day just kept getting more and more stressful until it culminated with the demand for money.

It has ended well though, since I did reach out for help and got it. And I am certain that one of these other movers will not only be cheaper, but maybe there will be a guy to help us move the heavy stuff. That is my wish for how this will play out. With the UHaul, it would have been me and my sister moving the heavy stuff. My sister is a lot stronger than me (she’s actually built like a guy and has a lot of upper body strength – testosterone issues), but still…I was not looking forward to moving several pieces of furniture here. So this is for the best it seems. I am going to pray that there will be a guy who will be available to help with this move.

I am feeling much more hopeful and centered now. Thank you Kuthumi. And Bashar. And Carolla…my yellow angel. ❤