Damn, but I’ve been having a recurring problem with the external part of my ears hurting so badly they wake me up in the night. It feels like I have slept on my ears with them folded over. This has been going on for a couple of years now, and I thought I had it resolved. Guess not. sigh.

I happened to mention this in a Facebook group of empaths and lightworkers, and was surprised when others mentioned they had experienced this too. Some offered the insight that it was a third eye chakra problem, which I wasn’t convinced it was. I have always felt that ear problems were a throat chakra problem (hearing and speaking being ancillary and all). So I meditated on it and asked my guardian angel about what was causing it. At the time, she told me that it was not a third eye problem as much as a fifth eye problem.

I already knew that the fifth eye is the Eye of Compassion, and it is the one you should meditate with instead of the Third Eye, which is still a little too attached to ego. Well, I questioned my guardian angel further, since I couldn’t think of any situations I had been experiencing that would indicate issues with compassion towards other people. I feel I am a pretty compassionate person, considering I’m an empath and all that. It’s hard to be mean to others when you can feel the effect it has on them! My guardian angel assured me it wasn’t an issue with compassion towards others, but rather, an issue of compassion towards self. Okay. Yeah…guilty as charged I guess.

Wow…I am shocked at how hard it is to deal with the whole self-compassion thing! Duh…yeah, I guess I have a problem. LOL But looking up about how to promote self-compassion isn’t so easy. There is plenty about self-esteem, but that’s different than self-compassion. There is a really good TedX talk by Kristin Neff that explains this difference really well here. She calls herself a self-compassion evangelist, and she is really well spoken and easy to listen to.

She explains how self-esteem is really a self-judgment about whether we are good or bad people. Yes, it’s a marker of psychological health, because if you don’t believe yourself to be a good person, then the self-hatred can cause all kinds of problems. However, as she points out, there is a problem with self-esteem because it revolves about being special and better than average. To be average isn’t a positive thing in our society. You have to be better than that for good self-esteem. What happens when you can’t do it? Can’t be better than average?

This is where self-compassion needs to kick in. When you say “it’s okay that you didn’t do better as long as you did the best you could”. It doesn’t demand anything more than you did the best that you did, and that’s okay. Self love shouldn’t be dependent on being better than anyone else, doing things perfectly, or everyone admiring and loving you. The little graphic I used for my header is one I look at most nights to remind myself of this. Yeah, I need the little ra-ra cheerleader pics to help me. sigh

Why do I lack self-compassion? Do I lack self-esteem too? My self-esteem isn’t bad, since I know many facts of myself that make me feel good about who I am. I have a degree in psychology, several computer certifications, and I am only one of 100,000 CUSAs (Certified Unix Systems Administrator) in the world, so I know I am really smart. I am an empath, which is a strength in my view, I have many of the clair abilities, which is indicative of all the hard work I have put in since my teens, and my kundalini awakening in 1989. I am a lightworker, and try hard to bring more light into the world in preparation for Ascension. I do a nightly 6 pm prayer for peace for 1 minute, which was a pledge I made a few years ago and though the group no longer exists, I still do this. I always include any areas of the world that I’m aware of that needs Light and Love to help resolve conflicts, and usually wind up putting Light and Love around the whole world! I totally believe that prayer helps, and I feel like I am helping by doing this. I also do it again in my nightly prayers. So I feel like a good person. Self-esteem isn’t really an issue.

But self-compassion is something else. sigh. I have identified that I feel less important than other people because I am single and live alone. I don’t have a family to love and take care of, and strangely, that makes me feel less lovable. I don’t feel as important as someone with a family who depends on them. Well, my cats are dependent on me, and I do think it would be worse for me without them. Not just for the daily love and support, but the feeling of usefulness. I do think pets are better sources of unconditional love, and don’t regret my decision to not have children. But there is that societal conditioning that demands we marry and have children, and if you don’t do it, you’re…marginal. Yes…I feel marginalized. Maybe I should have joined the Women’s March. LMAO. NOT!

Intellectually, I know it’s not true…that I’m not unimportant because I’m not married, don’t have children, don’t have a job. The job thing is another thing that makes me feel useless to society. Although it’s partly a refusal to be an economic slave to the Establishment (and partly due to the damn economy and lack of jobs!), I do get the judgment from others that I don’t do anything and thus don’t know anything. Which is ridiculous…I know much more about current events than my sister who works does! I spend my days going through alternative media sites and surfing the web. I keep my sister informed! Although I know she thinks it’s all conspiracy theorist stuff, and I know she’s watching me for signs of mental disorder. sigh. This is not my imagination either…she actually told me this.

Perhaps this is why the self-compassion thing has come up again. I do spend most days alone in my apartment online. And not on social media any more. It’s partly a protest against what Facebook is doing that I do not go on Facebook any longer. It’s also partly a problem I’ve been having of my computer crashing when I’m on Facebook. I figure they have an algorithm that knows I’m using Windows XP, and it installs Windows Security Alerts which reminds me that Auto Updates is turned off. Yeah…Microsoft stopped supporting XP a while back, so there is no reason to be getting updates. Yet I was…and my computer would start crashing! I think that M$ is trying to force XP and Vista users to upgrade by installing things that cause problems for the users. Since I’ve disabled both Auto Updates and the Windows Security Alerts, I don’t have problems with my computer crashing. Coincidence…I think not. My sister asks how does Facebook know you’re using Xp…well, every morning when I open my browser, Google Chrome reminds me: “This computer will no longer receive Chrome Updates because it no longer supports Windows Xp and Vista”. If Chrome can figure it out, why not Facebook? I’m just glad that Chrome isn’t installing stuff on my computer causing it to crash!

There is another issue that has come up though in the last few days…my parents are moving into a retirement home here in this little town where me and my sister live. I do not drive and do not have a car. I cannot be of any help for the move. They aren’t moving much any way…they are moving from a 3 bedroom home to a one room ensuite in a rest home. My uncle has a truck to help move the big stuff, and 2 of my sisters are staying over this weekend to help pack up stuff. I cannot go because of my cats. I guess I am feeling…useless again. Hopefully now that I have acknowledged this, I won’t be waking up with sore ears. I did make a plan this morning to counteract this feeling of uselessness…I intend on helping with the unpacking.

My parents are moving in on February 1st, which is a Wednesday. I guess they have already starting moving stuff as of yesterday though. So the move seems like it’s going along just fine. I know my mother is especially anxious to move. She just loves this new place, which is really nice to be honest. I’m glad we have such a place here for them, since the place my father is in right now is horrible! I guess his initial reluctance is changed now that he has seen the place. I’m glad, because they both need assistance in their daily living that precludes them from remaining alone in the house. My sister that lives here in Tilbury works Wednesday to Friday, so I may go on Wednesday to see if they need help if they’re not too tired, but I figure they will need help on Thursday and Friday with the unpacking. Since I don’t work, I can be there for them to help with that. See…I’m not useless after all! LOL 😉 And…not working means I can visit them during the day…they are maybe a 15 minute walk away now, instead of a 45 minute car drive! So, my life is not so useless, and serves other purposes now. 🙂 Take that! my harsh inner critic!!! ha ha! 😉