I have been hearing a lot about how we need to be more about service to others than service to self. More in tune with helping others than caring for ourselves. It seem all new agers, even Corey Goode and David Wilcock, claim that this is the path to Ascension. Certainly, being selfless is better than being selfish. But then something happened to me lately that’s got me rethinking this idea.
Since my parents moved to my little town and entered the retirement home here, I have been trying to be a good daughter and go visit them a couple of times a week and spend a couple of hours at a time with them. It turns out my father doesn’t really appreciate this because he feels left out and isolated. Well…I have truly tried to engage him, but he is not a talkative man to begin with, and he’s so doped up on the 30+ pills he takes that he’s rather sluggish and unresponsive even more! We have different views on current events, and our politics are very different, and he always gets mad whenever I air my opinion. So I don’t tend to talk to him about them. He has lost all interest in life and wants to die, and I do not know what to do or say to help him. Now my mother I have lots more in common with, and she is the talkative one. I didn’t realize he was really feeling left out though. He often gets up and leaves the room with his walker and sits out in the hallway. sigh. And he got really mad about me staying for lunch. double sigh My mother said afterwards that maybe I should only come once a week for a shorter period of time.
Am I wrong for thinking that maybe I shouldn’t have been spending so much of my time with my parents? Was I being sanctimonious or self-righteous or something? I don’t think so, but I feel like I did something wrong. What is the universe trying to tell me here?
Then I found this article by Love in Action Now “Service To Self ~ Service To Others” today. I find myself agreeing with her when she says:
I don’t know about you, but I am weary with reading these pieces on “Service To Self/Service To Others” ~ as though we have to pick a side. Pick side A (sts) and you are gonna stay stuck in neverland. But pick side B (sto) and you get to land beautifully in nirvana. (The Zeta’s were famous spreading this information, which is why I only followed them for 1 week.)
All of this sounds of duality and I’m not buying it.
I’m certainly not feeling it.
Remember the analogy of the mother helping herself first to her oxygen mask so that she can best assist her child?
Same thing applies here my tribe.
Funny that I was thinking the same thing during last night’s MOTN meditation. I KNOW I am a pretty selfless person, and usually think of others before myself. I won’t go into all the instances, but with regards to my parents, I did live at home till I was 34 because I was still trying to help them out (it’s karmic sigh). When I did leave, I promised myself that I would never go back…that they are not my problem. I tried my damnedest to help them understand each other while I was living at home, but ultimately, it is their problem. However, I do think my mother is going to kill my father. sigh. But…it’s not about me, and I was told by my therapist at the time that I was actually preventing them from resolving their own issues by remaining in the home. Strangely, my mother told me at the time that she didn’t think the therapy was helping, because I had become so “selfish”. No mother…I stopped enabling you. sigh. But I left because I knew that I had to be on my own and get away from their toxicity. My parents are very toxic people. bleah.
But I wanted to be a good daughter and help them with the transition from their home of 41 years to the retirement home and help them not feel so alone and isolated. I feel guilty about them having to leave their home and be put in a home, but there is no way I’m moving back in and taking care of them! They need too much care for one thing. They have become very decrepit and need a lot of care…more like nursing care. And I just can’t stomach the idea of moving back into that toxic atmosphere again. My father has a horrible, violent temper, and my mother is massively passive-aggressive. And they have taken to fighting quite vocally at each other. Daddy gets mad, mother gets mad right back. I suppose it’s good that she’s finally learned to speak up for herself, but since she is the more mobile of the two of them, she is getting her way more often than not. I am also sensing a sort of malicious glee that she is getting her way finally. bleah. I just don’t know what to do about my parents… 😦
Am I supposed to be doing something about them??? I am thinking that maybe this last “showdown” with my father at the home is the Universe’s way of saying it’s not my business? After all, being an empath and visiting my sick parents who are desperately unhappy about being in a home and being so decrepit is not healthy for me. I don’t always remember to shield, and to be honest, part of me feels like maybe I should take on their emotions and try to ground them for them since I am so much healthier. Isn’t that what an empath should do???? Then there are all the other zombie residents in the home…it’s been feeling like a war zone to be truthful! I have started to think that maybe the reason why I am feeling more negative these days is because I am picking up too much from the retirement home. I think I need to not go there as often. I can’t be shielding up the wazoo every time…it’s wearing and I don’t think that’s a good way to be.
I think the article sums it up nicely:
Love yourselves first.
For when we are truly grounded in and with Who We Are, when we are in those moments where we have taken such loving care of ourselves, we naturally wish to share that energy with others.
It’s that simple.
Release the duality.
Cease to believe you have to pick a side.
None of that feels like Ascension to me.
It’s about returning to Love.
AND…what then naturally follows…
I think this is the solution to the guilt I am feeling about my decision to not go visit my parents so much. I have to honor my own journey and not sacrifice it for my parents, who I feel horribly upset for. It is their journey, not mine after all. I’ll still try to visit them once a week and stay for a half hour or so only. They can’t get to me in that short a space of time. And I won’t feel guilty…I have nothing to feel guilty about! It is not my fault that they have let themselves get old and sickly…and we (my sisters and I) found them this nice place to live where they can get the assistance they need with daily life. Yeah, it’s expensive and yeah, it’s boring and sucks when you can’t do anything, but that is not my fault. There is nothing I can do about this.
Just keep praying for Full Disclosure so all those healing technologies will become available to help them. And send them Love and Light.