I have been trying to work on myself, and do some shadow work to get at some issues. I’m not having any real luck there. I don’t know if it’s resistance, but I just don’t feel like being all angsty and negative. Even when I go off on a rant, the anger is…I dunno…softer and less aggressive than I would have thought. Even while journaling in the “zone”, I’m acknowledging that this isn’t such deadly serious shit. But then, I am 54 years old, have suffered from depression since I was 7, and have done a lot of therapy already. Could I have already resolved a lot of it? I’m still suffering under crushing poverty…and some depression and anxiety.
So…since I wasn’t getting anywhere with the shadow work, I decided to try the other route…accessing my Inner Child. Hoping it would be lighter work. I did have a very dark Inner Child persona who was the embodiment of a very harsh past life, but I actually managed to purge her and get her to go off with my Higher Self to be integrated, as all past life personas should be. I felt a little…bereft after she was gone, but then I noticed a new Inner Child…little Laura from this lifetime. Like this one author noted, we are multi-dimensional beings and time doesn’t exist, so on some level the people we were as children still exist. This makes sense to me, so I contacted her.
Trying to access a wounded Inner Child didn’t get me anywhere. This stumps me! WTH?!?!? Although…the Inner Child I am focusing on is around 5 or 6 years old…the “bad thing” that happened in my childhood didn’t happen until I was 7 yrs old. But I’m happy to report that my younger self seems to be just fine! LOL Looking back over my life, I see that I have always honored her…I am pretty much in touch with my Inner Child, and have always honored more child-like ways. I am very crafty, and love bling. The more bling the better! LOL I love pink, and soft, fluffy things. In many ways, I’m quite “girly”. The only movies I tend to see are the Disney movies…I really do prefer the cartoons to any of the silly love stories or harsh war movies. Hey! I like happy endings and would rather watch fluffy movies about heart-warming things than anything that is harsh real-world. I realize that I have always honored my Inner Child in so many things. So she’s okay. Not angsty or wounded or anything.
This makes doing Inner Child work difficult. The shadow work isn’t working out, and now the Inner Child work isn’t working out. sigh. Am I doing this wrong??? Sure, I have had some issues lately, but I have always worked it out, and I’m okay, I think. The issue with the sociopathic neighbor…I’m actually able to be nice to her. I send her love and light so she becomes a better person. Not that I want anything to do with her, but I’ll say hi. My sister is still embroiled with her though…my sister doesn’t want to be rude, so let’s her walk all over her. sigh. I will not make that mistake. I don’t feel this is an emotional issue for me though…it’s about being true to myself. I keep coming across articles that say that we must honor our own feelings and that allowing others to harm us does no one any good. It does not help this Tammy girl in any way, to allow her to take advantage of me (or my sister). It just builds up bad karma for her. Participating in that is not the right thing to do. Is this justification on my part? I don’t think so. It’s coming from too many outside sources…like reassurance almost.
Addendum: Here is yet another reassurance in the form of synchronicity: this site stated: You don’t have to like the person or be near them but forgiveness is the thing that ends the cycles of anger and animosity towards each other.
The issue with getting mad at my Dad a couple of months ago…I worked through those feelings and I’m okay now. My mother had a hair appointment in-house at the Home yesterday when I visited, and I stayed with my father while she was gone. We actually had a decent conversation…he even surprised me by talking about his dreams! Me and my dad are okay.
I dunno…maybe I’m missing something HUGE and ugly somewhere along the line? But is it really necessary for there to be yucky stuff in my soul? I was ready and willing to do the work, only to find there doesn’t seem to be any major junk to work on. Sure…little stuff, but I feel like I’m actually doing okay. Me and little Laura are doing just fine.
So…I’m trying to do some “other hand” work…writing with my non-dominant hand. I can’t write with my dominant hand right now…I have literally done hundreds of pages of notes in my Grimoire and Book of Shadows, and my thumb, forefinger and pinky are killing me! They hurt so badly…the muscles are cramping on me! I can’t even hold a pen properly right now. sigh. So…I’m going to work with the other hand then. LOL Let’s hope I don’t fuck it up too! heh heh heh But the writing is different, of course. Let us see where this endeavor takes me. I’m determined to work on myself! Dammit! LMAO