…I don’t have it. sigh. Woke up this morning feeling very ugly and old. I wear my curly hair up in a loose topknot for sleeping, which exposes my horrible jaw line. My jaw is misaligned, thanks to the oral surgeon who pulled out my wisdom teeth. It’s too far over to the right, and pulled forward. This has affected my face shape, which I think looks horrid. It is the main reason I wear my thick hair long…it hides so many flaws! LOL See…I’m really lacking in the self-compassion department. bleah

But I looked in the mirror this morning and seemed to look particularly haggard and jowly, and I found myself feeling bitchy and crabby. So I decided I should do some shadow work. Well, more like Inner Child work, since I do know where this ugly feeling comes from. My 11 year old self. I access her through using a pencil and writing with my left hand. She does write cursive and from the standard left to right. My 5 year old self uses a colorful marker and prints backwards, from right to left, that you have to read in the mirror.

Well, I grabbed the pencil and started with a question with my right hand…I asked why we are feeling so crabby and ugly. Yup, she had some stuff to say when I switched hands! None of it surprising to be honest. I’m a lot more self-aware than to be surprised by anything she said. I do know how she feels. But what did surprise me is the 5 year old wanted to speak, and picked a pink marker to write with! She wanted to talk to the 11 year old! WTH? LOL She was challenging everything that the 11 year old was saying, and was actually really intelligent about it too. Wow…my 5 year old Inner Child is smart, well-spoken, and so much more loving than either me, the adult, or the 11 year old! She was doing a bang-up job of comforting and mothering the 11 year old!!! She has consistently surprised me at how well-adjusted, happy and okay she is! Who knew??? LOL

Of course, I got some synchronicity in my Reader newsfeed today; specifically, this article here “Being Nice to Yourself is Mandatory for a Happy Life“. Guess my guides wanted me to be extra sure to read it by being overly obvious. LOL Of course they note the obvious:

Cultivating a loving voice in ourselves that is compassionate, aware, kind, and patient yields a better quality of life.

But what really caught my eye was this mention of Kwan Yin:

Kuan Yin is known as the Goddess of Infinite Compassion and Mercy; she is like the Mother Mary of the East. Her name in Chinese means, “the one who hears the cries of the world.” She is often depicted holding a vase that is pouring the nectar of wisdom and compassion onto the world.

Okay…I guess I needed to be hit over the head too! LOL I have spoken about Kwan Yin and Mother Mary before here, and I was just meditating on the compassion mantras I have started saying at bedtime on my prayer beads, and how they are associated with various goddesses/bodhisattvas/buddhas. All are goddesses of compassion/gods of compassion/bodhisattva of compassion/buddhas of compassion. So are the mantras. So is Mary, who I have started to work with again after an absence of many years. Also the Ho’oponopono is about compassion (see here). It seems that everywhere I am turning these days, there is some reference to compassion.

I actually feel like I am a pretty compassionate person…it’s hard not to be, when you’re an empath and can feel the other person’s feelings, thus understanding where they are coming from. But it seems that where I lack compassion is for myself. I didn’t really realize it was so bad, because I have been working on myself too…hence the shadow work and the Inner Child work. But that harsh inner voice that is so denigrating about my appearance…wow, just wow. I gotta be kinder to myself! It really upsets my 5 year old self when I’m so harsh. And gets the 11 year old riled up and gets her started on a downward spiral. sigh. Which upsets me that she’s so down on herself. bleah…am I crazy here???

But I made a startling discovery in something that the 5 year old said…she asked the 11 year old why she had to prove the nasty boys right? There was an incident when I was 11 where there were 2 couples who were walking towards me down the street, and the one guy said to me “Hey kid, did your mother ever tell you you were ugly?” and they all laughed uproariously at the joke. It hurt my feelings terribly, and I cried all the way to the store and all the way home. I was at that gangly pubescent stage, and wow, that was insensitive of those kids! And they were probably teenagers, or very early twenties, and I’m sure they were coming from the pub at the end of the street. I am certain, now, that they were drunk, for the guy was hanging onto his girlfriend and they were weaving on the sidewalk. I didn’t realize it then of course. The 5 year old reminded her of that fact, and the 11 year old countered that why did they have to say anything at all, if it wasn’t true? The 5 year old said he was just trying to make himself look big by bullying a little child, and wasn’t that just pathetic??? That’s when the 5 year old asked the 11 year old why she had proved him right.

At around this time, I was developing a severe case of acne. I really don’t remember if it was already there, or happened after this event. The 5 year old’s comment makes me think it was after though. I do remember that by the time I was 13 it was so bad that I had to see a dermatologist, who was so stymied by my case that he dropped me after 6 months! I went on to see another dermatologist until I was 18, when we agreed we had tried everything and there was nothing more he could do. Nothing ever worked. I even had the cure for acne, Accutane, when I was 20, which also did nothing. sigh. I had a very resistant, severe case of acne! It also persisted into my early 30s. I finally got rid of it by telling myself I loved myself, just the way I was, and using castor oil on my skin. That was a Louise Hay affirmation which really worked wonders!

Now I am wondering if the reason that the acne was so bad, and was so resistant, was because I believed that horrible boy and “proved him right”. My 5 year old thinks so. She’s kinda pissed at the 11 year old for doing that! Wow. Just wow. It was a very interesting session! LMAO I gotta do some serious work on the self-compassion front though. sigh. The article had a meditation that focused on Kuan Yin, which I am thinking is where I should maybe start. Or with Mary, who I’m already familiar with. They both embody compassion to me.

But if Kuan Yin is the lifetime that Mary ascended in, then maybe I should petition Kuan Yin for help??? The whole ascended masters thing gives me a headache. sigh. Are previous incarnations ascended masters too??? Or only the lifetime that they ascended? bleah. If I already have a relationship with Mary, do I also have one with Kuan Yin by association? How different are soul aspects between lifetimes??? Why does it have to be so complicated? Why do I have to make it complicated? sigh. I guess I will stay with the compassion mantras I’m using…they’re obviously getting me somewhere!